i was talking to a friend of mine, and he brought up a piece that i wrote. he still has a copy of it because he likes it, so i thought that i would post it. if you don't like it, well that sucks for you, having wasted your time and all...
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As I was born, and I as I will die, I am alone.

When you're sad, it seems that the stars don't shine as brightly, time doesn't pass as quickly, roses don't smell as pretty, the clouds aren't as graceful, colors aren't as intense, and you feel all of this alone, no matter what. You are surrounded by people but you're all alone, because the stars don't sparkle in your heart, your heart is alone, and will be, until something is powerful enough to spark a change.

I might not know much in life, in fact, I know that I don't. If I know one thing, I know that I don't know much. This world is circling around me, well not me, some axis in the universe, and I am just one small weak being on it. In the scheme of things, I'm nothing. I am nothing, you are nothing, we are nothing. Life is a process of learning, always learning. Learning to what end? There is no end.

We learn that we are born, we learn that we will die, and we learn how to live in between. Everyone chooses a different way to live, and that's their own perrogative. Who am I to try and influence that decision, I'm nothing, remember? So why do I try? I think that it's an infinite search for meaning, if I can have an impact on someone else, then I have a reason that I'm here, if I can impact someone, maybe I'm not nothing, maybe I'm something.

From the moment that we are born, we are dying. Living is a process of dying. A little depressing isn't it? The only thing that is ever guaranteed in life is death. Everything else is a creation of our own power. We fabricate and cause the situations that happen in our lives. Everything is our own fault. All that I do is my choice, and my fault, I deserve what I get, whether positive or negative. I make my choices, and I accept my consequences, however unwilling I may be.

Though I may not be able to change someone else, I can observe. Observing other people is interesting. I have this craving to see how people think, what makes them tick, how can I figure this out as to other people, when I can't even figure out myself? As humans we always seem to be in a constant search for meaning. Who knows what the key to life is? I don't think that there is one single solution, how can there be, everybody is different, so how could one thing work for everyone? It can't, there is no miracle solution to life. What is life?

Merriam-Webster's dictionary:
life:1 a : the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b : a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings; an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction
2 a : the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual b : one or more aspects of the process of living [sex life of the frog]
4: spiritual existence transcending physical death
5 a : the period from birth to death b : a specific phase of earthly existence [adult life] c : the period from an event until death [a judge appointed for life] d : a sentence of imprisonment for the remainder of a convict's life
6 : a way or manner of living
8 : a vital or living being; [many lives were lost in the disaster]
9 : an animating and shaping force or principle
10 : spirit [there was no life in her dancing]
11 : the form or pattern of something existing in reality [painted from life]
12 : the period of duration, usefulness, or popularity of something [the expected life of flashlight batteries]
13 : the period of existence (as of a subatomic particle)
14 : a property (as resilience or elasticity) of an inanimate substance or object resembling the animate quality of a living being
15 : living beings (as of a particular kind or environment) [forest life]
16 a : human activities b : animate activity and movement [stirrings of life] c : the activities of a given sphere, area, or time [the political life of the country]
17 : one providing interest and vigor [life of the party]

How can one word mean so many things? For the point of my mental state, I am using definition number 5a, the period from birth to death. We are all given life, form whom or what, I couldn't tell you, all I know is that it was given to us. And what do we do with our lives? We relate. In everything that we do and do not do, we relate to people, animals, even inanimate object, we relate. All life is is interactions with these beings and objects. And how do we choose to do this? I can only answer that question for myself.
I try to please everyone, to make everyone happy. I try to make all the people that surround me happy, with their lives, and with me, but I don't put the same effort towards myself. Always tring to cheer people up, making sure that they aren't sad, that's what I do. But in this process, do I lose myself? I think that I do. I think that trying to cater to everyone's needs, I forget who I am, what I am, whatever that may be. Always a smile on my face. That's me. But there isn't always a smile on the inside.
To please everyone else, my friends as well as strangers, I put on this front, a person that I'm not. I don't have to live with these people for as long as I live, but I can't get rid of me. I won't go away, so why compromise myself to spare them? Because I am so afraid of hurting someone's feelings. I'll take it for the team, I'd rather see myself hurt than anyone else. At least with me I can pretend that it doesn't bother me. I can push my feelings to the corner of my heart, and ignore them. But they don't stay there.
Feelings and emotions come out through art, through music, through theater, through painting, through dance, through photography, through writing. All things that will be judged by other people. Which is why I am so afraid to express emotion, I don't want to be judged, I don't want people to pick apart my creation. Everything that I do is entirely mine, I put my heart and soul, my passion into what I do, and am happy with the end result. Why should I let someone take that away from me? Yes, I'm proud of what I do, I have confidence in what I do, that is until I let someone else in on my secret. When they see what I choose ot spend my time, my life doing, I have opened up to them. I just put my feelings in the air for them to be shot down, as they usually are.
People can be so cruel. I wonder sometimes if they realize how much effect, impact that they can have on other people. All it takes is one negative comment to ruin something forever. Every creation is sacred, to someone, and that negative thought kills it, the creation is dead, the idea is dead, the joy is dead, the hope is dead.
It hurts, when my hope, my vitality, is stripped from me. But in the end, I learned something. Life is learning, and so though I failed, I succeeded. I learned not to share myself with other people, because if I keep to myself, they can not hurt me, nor my hope. I can keep my hope, and my confidence, my creation, it's mine, and forever will be. But I then am alone, I am the only one that can partake of my creation. As I was born, and I as I will die, I am alone.
I feel like I am in a wide open field, that is surrounded by trees and mountains that I can never reach. There is a river, and flowers, the most beautiful flowers that anyone could imagine, at night the stars shine like wonderous flames in the sky, during the day the clouds dance above my head, everything is in vivid colors, brighter than fathomable, and the sun beats down with gloriously warm rays on my skin. I am happy. And then, I am alone, and everything changes. The light fades in my eyes and my heart, and I am lost. Where do I go from here? Now I am still, alone in the darkness, vulnerable to everything. All I have is my thoughts, myself, that's all that I will ever have, no matter what I try to achieve.
In all my life, everything I do will be destroyed. In the end all that I will have is me, and yet, I don't take care of myself, and my feelings. I spend my time and energy worrying about everybody else and their feelings. I can't change them, the change I would have in mind probably isn't right anyhow, I'm probably not right anyhow. But I can't make an impact on others, I can't change things, I am nothing, and can do nothing more than me, which is what I'm afraid of.

So I will not share what or who I am, for I will be destroyed, crushed by those who don't agree with me. Those who don't understand me will try to tear me apart at the seams. It will work, I will be sad, in the darkness, alone. My heart and soul be still, I will be alone forever.